Questions for the Kids October 15, 2007
Posted by Joe in : Links , add a commentErin,
Lord willing, we will listen to or watch some (or all) of the messages from the Desiring God Conference this past weekend. I thought I would make sure to share these questions that a pastor Piper knows regularly asks his kids. They are right on, but surely one reason why we don’t ask such things is because we might not want to face the answers!
But that is surely no way to live right. So let’s be diligent to know what our kids see in us. Lord knows, we cannot hide anything from them!
Thankful for the accountability our kids give us,
Joe
Relishing Every Moment Without Being Child-Centered October 5, 2007
Posted by Joe in : General Lessons, Random Musings , add a commentJoe,
As you well know, we tend to go on pendulum swings here around our home. We get on a focus for awhile and then realize we have focused so much on that area, that we have missed out on the other end of the spectrum. So we are in a constant state of not trying to fall of the horse one way or the other!
You made a great post recently about soaking in the kids. I was definitely convicted of that when I took my retreat down to the shore last week. I saw that as much as I serve the kids, too often I don’t just stop and enjoy them. I need to get down on their level and look in their eyes. I made a resolution that I want my children to see me smiling and laughing every day, not just buzzing around the house like a busy bee who is too preoccupied to stop and play with them. They are only going to be at this age one time and I don’t want to miss the special play times that we can have now.
It is amazing how this revelation has affected how I feel for the kids and how it seems they feel about me. I have enjoyed them more and they in turn seem to be more relaxed and enjoying life more as well. But then of course, there is always the time when we step back and look at things, as you did this morning, when you looked at me and said “We need to be careful about being too child-centered.”
Now after just coming home and realizing I needed to enjoy the kids more, this wasn’t exactly what I was looking to hear. But I started thinking about it and thought I would share some of what my thoughts were.
In the past when we have focused on not being child centered, I have felt like we have gone to the extreme of simply not paying attention to them, which of course is not right. But of course, you and I are the kind of people who go for something full force, so if we aren’t going to be child centered, we aren’t! But then we realize that we are missing out on some precious moments with them. So what does it look like to relish those moments without being child centered?
The thing that kept coming to mind was priorities and proportions. We all need to have our priorities set and make sure that our energies and efforts are proportionate to those priorities. So most of us would say that our lives should be focused on God. But just because we want to be God focused does not mean we give no attention to our spouse. In the same way, although we want our second priority to be our marriage, this does not mean that we give no attention to our children.
So what are some ways that we can practically show our children that they come after our marriage, yet still love them and cherish our times together? Here are some ideas I had:
1. Do not focus meal time conversations around your children. Spend your time catching up with your spouse. Prepare your children for this before you sit down (for example, “Abby, we are going to be sitting down to dinner and Daddy and Mommy are going to be talking to each other first.”) But also let them know that there will be an appropriate time for them to share as well.
2. As wonderful as it is for each parent to take a child out for a special “date time” make sure that your dates with your spouse happen more often. And don’t just sneak out at night. Go out while they are awake, so that they know Daddy and Mommy are having a special time together.
3. Don’t let children interrupt the two of you while you are talking. When children can in any way break up a time of connection between a husband and wife it says to them that they are more important than your marriage. Now I am not saying if they can never interrupt you. But for example, Abby loves to do flips and somersaults in the living room. When we are sitting and talking and we are interrupted every 20 seconds, with “Watch this”, that is a time when we can ask her to wait until we are finished and then we will watch what she has to show us.
4. Show more affection to your spouse than your children. I know this can be tough when they are young and especially for the wife. I know from experience (and have seen it too often) how easy it can be to smother your child with kisses and hugs throughout the day and give your spouse a half-hearted smooch when they walk in the door.
5. How often are we buying our children little gifts? When was the last time you bought a special surprise for your spouse? Even what we purchase can communicate our priorities.
I am sure you will have some more ideas, but those were just some things I was thinking of. I don’t think the simple answer is to give our children less attention (although at times this is needed) but often we need to give more energy, attention and passion towards our marriage.
Striving to keep my priorities in line,
Erin