Questions for the Kids October 15, 2007
Posted by Joe in : Links , add a commentErin,
Lord willing, we will listen to or watch some (or all) of the messages from the Desiring God Conference this past weekend. I thought I would make sure to share these questions that a pastor Piper knows regularly asks his kids. They are right on, but surely one reason why we don’t ask such things is because we might not want to face the answers!
But that is surely no way to live right. So let’s be diligent to know what our kids see in us. Lord knows, we cannot hide anything from them!
Thankful for the accountability our kids give us,
Joe
Relishing Every Moment Without Being Child-Centered October 5, 2007
Posted by Joe in : General Lessons, Random Musings , add a commentJoe,
As you well know, we tend to go on pendulum swings here around our home. We get on a focus for awhile and then realize we have focused so much on that area, that we have missed out on the other end of the spectrum. So we are in a constant state of not trying to fall of the horse one way or the other!
You made a great post recently about soaking in the kids. I was definitely convicted of that when I took my retreat down to the shore last week. I saw that as much as I serve the kids, too often I don’t just stop and enjoy them. I need to get down on their level and look in their eyes. I made a resolution that I want my children to see me smiling and laughing every day, not just buzzing around the house like a busy bee who is too preoccupied to stop and play with them. They are only going to be at this age one time and I don’t want to miss the special play times that we can have now.
It is amazing how this revelation has affected how I feel for the kids and how it seems they feel about me. I have enjoyed them more and they in turn seem to be more relaxed and enjoying life more as well. But then of course, there is always the time when we step back and look at things, as you did this morning, when you looked at me and said “We need to be careful about being too child-centered.”
Now after just coming home and realizing I needed to enjoy the kids more, this wasn’t exactly what I was looking to hear. But I started thinking about it and thought I would share some of what my thoughts were.
In the past when we have focused on not being child centered, I have felt like we have gone to the extreme of simply not paying attention to them, which of course is not right. But of course, you and I are the kind of people who go for something full force, so if we aren’t going to be child centered, we aren’t! But then we realize that we are missing out on some precious moments with them. So what does it look like to relish those moments without being child centered?
The thing that kept coming to mind was priorities and proportions. We all need to have our priorities set and make sure that our energies and efforts are proportionate to those priorities. So most of us would say that our lives should be focused on God. But just because we want to be God focused does not mean we give no attention to our spouse. In the same way, although we want our second priority to be our marriage, this does not mean that we give no attention to our children.
So what are some ways that we can practically show our children that they come after our marriage, yet still love them and cherish our times together? Here are some ideas I had:
1. Do not focus meal time conversations around your children. Spend your time catching up with your spouse. Prepare your children for this before you sit down (for example, “Abby, we are going to be sitting down to dinner and Daddy and Mommy are going to be talking to each other first.”) But also let them know that there will be an appropriate time for them to share as well.
2. As wonderful as it is for each parent to take a child out for a special “date time” make sure that your dates with your spouse happen more often. And don’t just sneak out at night. Go out while they are awake, so that they know Daddy and Mommy are having a special time together.
3. Don’t let children interrupt the two of you while you are talking. When children can in any way break up a time of connection between a husband and wife it says to them that they are more important than your marriage. Now I am not saying if they can never interrupt you. But for example, Abby loves to do flips and somersaults in the living room. When we are sitting and talking and we are interrupted every 20 seconds, with “Watch this”, that is a time when we can ask her to wait until we are finished and then we will watch what she has to show us.
4. Show more affection to your spouse than your children. I know this can be tough when they are young and especially for the wife. I know from experience (and have seen it too often) how easy it can be to smother your child with kisses and hugs throughout the day and give your spouse a half-hearted smooch when they walk in the door.
5. How often are we buying our children little gifts? When was the last time you bought a special surprise for your spouse? Even what we purchase can communicate our priorities.
I am sure you will have some more ideas, but those were just some things I was thinking of. I don’t think the simple answer is to give our children less attention (although at times this is needed) but often we need to give more energy, attention and passion towards our marriage.
Striving to keep my priorities in line,
Erin
Soaking Them In September 26, 2007
Posted by Joe in : Random Musings , add a commentErin,
As I mentioned to you today, one of the things I am learning while you are away is the importance of soaking our children in. What I mean by that is probably plain to you, but I trust it deserves some more words. Giving thanks. Enjoying the small things, even the inconvenient things. Taking note and even laughing at our children’s small idiosyncrasies.
I suppose it all boils down to giving thanks for them and delighting in them. Too often that is not my disposition. It is to my shame that I often find myself viewing them as if they were inconveniencing me. It’s foolishness I realize, but sin usually is quite foolish it seems. Rather than soaking them in, that is, instead of giving thanks for who they are now and enjoying every minute of parenting, I am too often concerned with getting other things done–things which often pale in comparison to enjoying and leading my children.
Of course, I am by no means saying that our whole worlds should revolve around them. The last thing I want to do is create a child-centered atmosphere. After all, I do not want to ruin them! But I think I can still rejoice in them without focusing all my attention on them. And I confess, the balance is tough!
But here we have little three-year-old Abigail with her intense personality and the dude, otherwise known as one-year-old Elijah with a different personality, but intense nonetheless. Here we have these two little children who look to us for virtuallly everything– at least for now. They watch our every moment and in a sense, know or can feel our every emotion. So the last thing I want them to feel is that they are somehow getting in the way of my accomplishing something greater than raising them to the glory of God. Forgive me for my failure here. I have not led you well.
Instead of all of that, I want them to know that their father rejoices in them, that he gives thanks for who they are and who the Lord will one day make them. For isn’t this exactly how we ought to feel about God. Here we are with a Father in Heaven who delights in His children, rejoicing to do them good all His days. And I suppose that our failure to delight in our children the way the Lord delights in us flows from our failure to see God as He really is. As always, it all comes back to our vision of God.
Well, that is enough for now love. I just wanted to write out some of these thoughts for my own soul. It is always good.
Giving thanks for our children,
Joe
So Slow to Believe
Posted by Joe in : Links , add a commentErin,
I was going to write this post on unbelief on this blog, but decided to do so on the Seeking Him blog instead. It relates Abigail’s inclination towards unbelief–and ours. After writing it, I could not help but give thanks for the Lord’s patience and vow to grow in patience myself.
Seeking Him with you,
Joe
Aiding in Our Sanctification September 24, 2007
Posted by Joe in : Random Musings , add a commentErin,
So you are away for the next few days and I am on my own (more or less) with Abby and Elijah. I am looking forward to it really, even though I will surely be stretched a bit more than usual. This experience may make me take back my book idea: Lessons Learned in My Week as a Mom. Or maybe not.
Anyhow, it is time for bed, but I wanted to rely a quick delight. As I was tucking in Abigail, she requested “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing!” for the night’s hymn. Naturally, I sung it to her. But what I realized in that moment was that when we teach our children great hymns, we serve ourselves greatly. For as I sung that hymn to her (one she knows well), I could not help but be caught up into God’s greater joy at the thought of the incarnation. You normally don’t get that in September, but little three-year-olds don’t care about it being September. And praise God they don’t! For even though it is wise and good to set aside a specific time for meditation upon and celebration of the incarnation (i.e. Christmas), we ought not to ignore it the rest of the year. And I would venture to say that we in large part might do so!
So I give thanks tonight for our children–as I always ought. Sure, Abigail has walked downstairs once already and be disciplined for playing in her room rather than sleeping another two times, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Instead, I will give thanks that the Lord has seen fit to give us two little ones, two little ones whom we long to lovingly and powerfully point to Jesus. And two little ones that often do the same for us.
Giving thanks,
Joe
Giving Thanks September 10, 2007
Posted by Joe in : General Lessons, Random Musings , add a commentErin,
I have been in something of a blogging mood tonight. It is a joy to sit down a write, a practice that for me, stirs up my soul and ushers me into greater worship of the Lord. So I thought I would continue with some reflections on parenthood, actually some thanksgivings for parenthood.
Of course, thanksgivings for parenthood naturally imply thanksgivings for our children, so that is indeed what I must do. For the past few days, amidst a bit of activity, I have found myself giving more and more thanks to the Lord for our little ones. It has struck me now, for whatever reason, that Abigail and Elijah will not always be 3 and 1 years old. Now I realize that that isn’t big news to anyone. After all, it’s reality. Life moves on. We grow old. No one can stop it.
But my thinking doesn’t concern the facing of reality so much as it does the desire to ’soak in’ the sweet moments of life. And because of Christ, life is full of sweet moments. Indeed, even the moments that do not seem so sweet are sweet nonetheless. I want my heart to continually be filled with thanksgiving– in all things as the Lord has commanded us. And I especially want this to be true concerning parenthood and our children.
I confess that too often I have looked at our children at times as if they were getting in the way of my doing something else. It is foolish and selfish I realize, but then again, I am oftentimes foolish and selfish! It could be something as simple as moving branches to the curb. In the past (or simply in a worse frame of mind), I may have simply wanted our kids out of the way so that I could finish my work, but today, I invited Abigail to join me and help me. And she was gracious enough to do so–at least for a bit.
And sure, I may not have worked as quickly as I could have were I by myself, but I can say for sure that my time moving those branches out to the curb was full of much more joy because of Abigail’s company. Of course, she did most of the talking (which shows how much she can talk if she can outdo me), but that is exactly what I want really. I want to listen. I want to hear what is going on in her little world. I want to slow down with activities and soak in life with my little Abigail–for she will not always be where she is now.
And as I sit here and think about it, I see that this lesson is a vital one in effective parenting. Slow down. Soak it in. Be thankful. Beware of looking at your children as if they were an inconvenience, as if they were getting in the way of your getting something more important done. For in the end, it is hard to find something that is more important. Yes, I realize that there are plenty of things that need to get done. As you can attest Erin, I am not shy about doing what I have to do to do them. However, raising the little ones the Lord has given us is big piece of my calling in life. So how much else do I really have to do?
Let’s give thanks love. O may the Lord grant us the grace to fill our home with a sweet, joy-filled thanksgiving. May a spirit of gratitude be evident in our every word and deed. May the Lord grant us the grace to slow down and soak in life with our children. And even more, may He do the same for us. For no matter how great the joy may be to soak in life with them, it is always better with you.
Giving thanks,
Joe
Balnerina, Baby-Gates and Open Doors September 5, 2007
Posted by Joe in : General Lessons , add a commentHey love,
I figure it is about time for us to start blogging again. I did see that we had a few visitors here and there, even though we have not blogged in months! It’s funny how we stopped blogging after we came home, funny but not overly surprising considering the considerable amount of increased activity. But it’s all good. We have simply stored up many more lessons to write back and forth about. And many more stories.
As I told you tonight, I wanted to put last night’s incidents in writing, if nothing else for our posterity’s sake. I suppose that I should begin by saying that over the course of the last few months we have been having difficulties getting Abigail to go down to sleep. She is tough isn’t she? Yea, no need to answer. But as I have said before, I like that about her. She doesn’t give up easily. If she wants something, she will endure what she must to see if it can be obtained. Our greatness strength is our greatest weakness. That is evident in her. Let’s pray that the Lord would use her strength mightily to His glory.
Anyhow, she is now sleeping upstairs in her new sweet bedroom. But of course she enjoys visits with her parents now and again, visits that have never turned out to be much more than discipline sessions. Yet she presses on, seeking to break down her parents a bit. Little does she know that she received the strong will from us!
So she comes up with every excuse in the book to come downstairs. Last nights was the best though. For as I was cutting my hair (yes, I do that myself), I hear a little voice outside the bathroom door. After opening it, Abigail walks in and says, “Daddy, I was having a bad dream.” To which I reply, “Abigail, I am having a hard time believing that because you have not fallen asleep yet!” She replies with her characteristic, “Yea…” (Her answer to anything she doesn’t fully understand.) Then I tell her that the only reason I am not going to put the baby gate up (something she definitely does not want to happen) is because I have hair all over me since I am in the middle of my haircut. So she promptly runs upstairs, not forgetting of course to ask me (as she does every single time a couple times over) to leave the door ‘just a little bit open’ for her comfort and sleeping ease. I tell her that I will leave the door a little bit open for the rest of her life and then she goes up to her bedroom (the stairs go straight into her bedroom).
Well about 15 or 20 minutes goes by when I hear a little voice at the stairs crying out in apparent agony, “But you said the door would be a little bit open. Daddy, it has to be a little bit open…..a little bit open….” (you get the picture). So I look up the stairs and there is little Abigail, her controlling little self distraught over the fact that the door is not a little bit open, but almost all the way open. She could not go to sleep with it any other way. So the habit continues where she checks to see if the door is just right before she can go to bed (yes, I know Erin that you will confess that she received that from you, but as we know, I have plenty of that obsessive compulsive disorder type thing going on, so we can share the blame).
So I think things are over when the middle of the night comes. I open my eyes to see little Abigail at the side of my bed. And what does she say but “Daddy, I was having a bad dream.” Once again, I call her bluff and say, “Well Abigail, you are still going to have to go back to bed.” (So understanding I am at 3 in the morning). Then Abigail gets to the real reason she is down there by saying, “Daddy, I can’t find balnerina.” (Yes, the spelling is right, it’s balnerina to this three-year-old). Ahhh, the obsessive compulsive thing again. Half asleep I lose my strength of convictions and use the baby gate threat once again (even though I should have followed through with it in that moment, I just wasn’t sure I had what it took to endure what I would have had to in those moments. Yes, I was probably limited God. But that is another story. Your prayers are appreciated). Well, after hearing about the baby gate once again, Abigail said, “But I don’t want the baby gate to go up.” I replied, “Well then, you better go upstairs and go to sleep. And if you want ballerina (yes, I say it correctly), you will have to find her.”
Abigail doesn’t miss a beat and promptly goes upstairs, only to say a few more times before turning the corner, “Daddy, could you leave the door a little bit open.” “Yes, Abigail, I will.” Thankfully then, the Lord gave us rest until the morning.
In the next few days, I would like to draw out some lessons hidden within these events. But for now, it is time to call it a night. I’m thankful that I got back into the blogging wagon, at least the srsblog blogging wagon. For it is good to relay some of the crazy joys of parenting. I am sure that I am not alone, but there is something special about putting such things in writing. And therein is another lesson. But that will have to wait until another day, for I need to go get some sleep just in case those little feet coming walking down the stairs in search of the balnerina rescue squad and the professional door closers who know how to put that door in the perfect position for sleep.
What a joy it is! I thank God for the pleasure.
Thankful for the joy of leading little ones with you,
Joe
Quick Travel Lesson June 8, 2007
Posted by Joe in : General Lessons , add a commentErin,
This will be brief, but something struck me while on the plane yesterday that I wanted to share. As we have said, the Lord granted much grace throughout our travel back home yesterday. Twenty-four hours awake is by no means easy, but the Lord showed Himself faithful. He was in the details, that was/is for sure.
As it relates to our kids, however, they did well. Elijah was a bit frantic, because he was so tired, but he still did quite well. They sat still for rather lengthy periods of times and we had only a few incidents of disciplined. We even enjoyed sitting with one another for a good stretch and a little time of reading (though we were so weary, the eyes were fading quickly!).
That being said, the reality that hit me yesterday was that all the little acts of discipline throughout our daily lives (most of which you do), were tested yesterday. And I thought they passed quite well. We still have a long way to go. That is for sure, but it’s as if yesterday was the big game. Thousands of people were in attendance and emotions were high. It was time to see how prepared our children well. They had learned the little lessons day in and day out. They had been disciplined in a thousand ways that few would think would matter. And along comes a day like yesterday–game day. The day in which we see some fruit.
That’s cool huh? The little lessons matter much more than we know. We can’t expect to perform well during those times (or for our children to obey us) if we are not diligent with our day to day care. In fact, I suppose it could be said to parents that when all things are considered, how your children behave in the difficult, unexpected times (particularly in their obedience) reveals how diligent you are in shepherding them during the day to day mundane existence called life. Though it surely doesn’t cover ever, I think it more or less is true.
May the Lord grant us grace for further (and increased!) diligence.
Praying for continued mercy,
Joe
Lesson in Fatherhood June 7, 2007
Posted by Joe in : General Lessons , add a commentHere is the journal entry I mentioned yesterday….
The past hour and a half or so have been very intense. Abby has some sort of ear infection that has been causing her some pretty good pain since about 5:00 or so. She didn’t get a nap today either. Combine that with the excitement/confusion of going home and it has made for a really difficult time.
Well, after the bedtime routine and disciplining her with spankings, I finally began to see the signs of relief. Spankings might seem harsh at a time like this, but for Abigail, it is the only way. She still knew that she was being disobedient and that she needed to be disciplined for it. She is well aware of the deal. Also, the Lord still disciplines us for our sins of unbelief and rebellion. Though there might be a greater grace for times of great weakness (for He knows our frame, that we are but dust), discipline still comes. And it needs to come, b/c it is the only thing that can get us out of our little worlds and back into reality. So it was with Abigail Lee.
So after multiple spankings from both Erin and I, the message was loud and clear and she began to get it. Not only that, but as is usually the case with discipline (for us and our children), she was humbled. And that is a good place to be. So she was listening to daddy and at this point, just crying and asking me, “Daddy, please make my ear stop hurting.” Every parent knows that this is one of the most difficult things in the world, b/c you just can’t make it happen. She had asked numerous times, “Daddy, mommy, please pray for me” (for the ear to stop hurting) and we had done so time and again. But we knew we couldn’t make it happen. And she is still at the point where she just can’t understand that. She still thinks we can do it all!
So I prayed for her again and told her that she needed her rest and that she had to stay in bed. No getting out and turning on the light (which is usually the first sign of rebellion). Those are the rules and she knows them well. But this time, amidst tears, she said, “Daddy, please pray that I would not get a spanking.” I did not quite understand, but told her that that was up to her. And then she said (again, amidst tears), “Daddy, please pray that I would not do those things.” Now that was what got my heart.
See, what she was saying and what she then clarified was, “Daddy, please pray that I would not get out of bed and turn on the light.” It broke my heart right away, but I knew that that was exactly where she (and we) need to be. She knew what she was supposed to do, but knew that she didn’t have the strength in her to make it happen. She was weak and knew that she needed God to be strong. Sure, she couldn’t explain it that way, but she has heard us pray and prayed with us enough time to know that the Lord answers prayer. So we prayed. And I know the Lord was in that prayer.
I prayed that the Lord might show Himself mighty through this time and reveal Himself to us and Abigail. I was confident of an answer. Then, after I finished, she said, “Please help me pray daddy.” And then she prayed after me. It was priceless.
After we were finished it got even better, because she still could not understand why the pain did not go away right away! O to have the faith of a child. After all, we prayed for it. Then I explained to her that she had to look to the Lord for strength, strength to endure this difficult time. She has Psalm 23 memorized, so I began to recite it. And almost immediately, there was peace. Peace with her, with me, with the whole situation. We recited it three times. Needless to say, those moments were some of my sweetest as a father.
Following that, we gathered up the friends, cuddled them together and said our, “I love you on these hands” (and everything else that goes with the leaving the room routine). And I knew that the Lord had heard our prayers (and the prayers of those who were praying for us). I then walked out to the living room and said to Erin, “If we had to go through all that to get this [and then I told her], then it was well worth it.” What a gracious God we serve!
There are so many lessons in that little story. From what I just said though, it should be obvious enough that in order for us to go deep with God, we have to go through struggle. We have to suffer a bit and struggle through it (enduring our own temper-tantrums maybe). We won’t be able to understand everything that is going on. We will want answers and we will pray for them, but they won’t come right away. The fight will continue on.
But then….breakthrough. We are brought to our end. We are weak. We must then look to Him to be strong. We must also look to others to help us cry out to God for grace upon grace (just as Abigail did). He might heal right away, but often He will not do so. He often says, “My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in your weakness.” And though we might not find the healing we desire or the immediate deliverance, He does grant us the grace to rest, as Abigail seems to be doing right now. Weeping may last for the ‘night’, but joy comes with the ‘morning.’ Weeping may last for a short time, but joy is on the other end. And indeed, if we do not endure the weeping–if we set up our lives, so that we can apparently walk with God without ever having to face such times–we will know nothing of the sweet joy in Jesus that comes when you realize you have nothing but Him.
Also, the Word of God. How central it is to the fight! My little girl taught me this lesson tonight. Sure, I had prayed for her, but I was not helping her to fight the fight. I was, more or less, telling her to just do what she had to do to obey. And what kind of gospel is that! By failing to help her recite the memorized Word (and there is yet another lesson!), I was more or less teaching her to fight in her own strength. What terrible fatherhood. For she needs to know that she is weak and that she must embrace her weakness and look to the Lord! And how else can we do so but through His Word?! The answer is plain.
So Psalm 23. That is going to be my chapter for Abigail. We need to teach her how to fight with the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. She gets it. She has seen it done. But now a more focused effort needs to be made to teach this little one how to fight. O Lord, help me to teach my children to be weak in themselves and strong in you! Thank you for showing me that tonight Lord. Thank you for making it plain. Help us to walk in wisdom as parents and to shepherd our children’s hearts to walk with you as they store up your Word.
There is more. Much more. But that is always the case. What a moment. How thankful I am for times such as these. And isn’t that always the case when deliverance comes after difficult times? Surely it has been my experience–as long as I have learned to look to the Lord! Thank you for your patience Lord. Thank you for your mercy and grace. Thank you that you teach me how to be a good father. Grace upon grace! I celebrate you and give thanks!
More on Transitions June 6, 2007
Posted by Joe in : General Lessons , add a commentErin,
Great practical stuff on transition times yesterday. I’m glad you wrote it, for if nothing else, I had to read it! Anyhow, I wanted to say a bit more on transitions and see if I could make a connection to parenting. We shall see if I am able. I am sure I will come up with something.
I suppose that because this is a parenting blog, I should focus on what kind of lessons we can teach our children during these times of transition. The first one that comes to mind is the one I learned last night (and one which yes, you already know!).
But for those who don’t know, Abigail (our 3 year-old) is struggling with this transition. There are other things of course, but she knows something is up. She knows she is headed to the United States and that she has to fly over the ocean to get there. But she doesn’t fully understand the fact that our house is in the United States–and that is where she is headed. All she really knows is that she was just setting into a nice routine here in Spain, enjoying her mornings at school with the other kids, some times at the pool across the street and daddy’s basketball games. And now, it’s time to move again. That’s definitely not an easy thing, especially for us sinners (big and small).
So last night during a meltdown–a full meltdown I think you could say, Abigail reached the end of the line. To cut a long story short, after asking for prayer from me for a few different things, I realized how desperate she was to fight with the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. So we began to recite Psalm 23 (which she has memorized) and the Lord began to fill her and I with a sweet peace. I know it was an answer to prayer (ones I and others had just prayed), but all of the sudden I realized how much I had failed her in this regard. I had not properly trained her to fight with the Word of God.
I could say more, but suffice it to say that this has to be a central lesson during our times of transition–for both ourselves (first) and then for our children. We need to speak the promises of God to one another (and receive them–probably the hardest part!). Then we need to help our little ones do the same. Even if it means reciting the 23rd Psalm 25 times on a long plane trip. The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and judging the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
The Lord is good my dear. And His Word is good. Let’s fight with it by the power of His Spirit for the glory of His name. And let’s teach our children how to do the same.
Fighting alongside you,
Joe
p.s. I will post my journal entry on the events of last night tomorrow. I’ll just set the timer, so we won’t miss a day–crazy bloggers we are!